Please Tell me What I Should Improve on...Thanks Much. Do u find this interesting?

I would definitely work on sentence phrasing and the choppy sentences, and it might just be the way yahoo answers formatted it, but some of the punctuation is really weird. The beginning with the conversation is kind of hard to follow, maybe add some action or verbs to make it a little more flowing. It's a good start and I'm definitely curious as to what Domonic did to make Lauren's father so angry. I might start out using a different action and not just the abrupt "after having wild sex," and I would work on the cohesiveness of your writing. But other than that it's a good start, keep writing. :)